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7/16/2014

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So I was talking to a friend today, and something came up about men. Being one, I have a vested interest. This is not an original thought, this was not a sudden inspiration today. I'd realized this a long time ago. But here we go.
Patriarchy is a funny thing. We can talk all about its roots later, but here's what's funny about it: it makes men superior, right? Like, rule of the fathers and all. So men are deemed pretty important.
Irony: when you make something important (shall I even say "precious?") And tell it that its whole life, it starts to believe it. When men are brought up to believe they are special and deserve privilege, it takes a lot of new information and education to get them to believe otherwise. In the process of that education, though, the men being educated learn something: they're not special. They're regular. They're people before they are men, just like women are people before they are women, and everyone on (or off) the gender spectrum is someone before they are (or aren't) that thing. 
But that means men aren't special.
And that hurts our feelings because we were raised our whole lives to believe we would save the world. We were the ones that mattered. We were the ones this world was promised to. 
And women... are nice? I guess? They showed up to help us because we are the movers. The shakers. The doers. The all knowing, all powerful.
Oof. This has gone a little too far, but do you get it?
When you put something on a pedestal and it believes is belongs there, then the fall is even scarier, because it never knew what the ground was and has no idea if it can survive. 
So two things.
1) Men: buck up. You're not special. You're not better. And sadly, our sex has been crushing the world to death under its heel for centuries (not our fault today, guys, but we are still paying the price, so get ready for the revolution and get on the winning side). 
2) Everyone else: please be gentle with us. Or at least, love us while we learn. I mean, the learning is coming, and we'll make the switch, but please: forgive the patriarchy, for it knows not what it does. That doesn't mean don't try to kill it with every ounce of your might. But just remember: it's not the enemy. It's an old dog that needs to be put down but is afraid to let anyone get close. Its time will come. 
And don't make the men you know the villains. Remember, they (we) are like children who don't know any better. If you don't know it's wrong to stick the fork in the socket, you do it. That doesn't mean the parent should hate the child for it. Not 100% comparable, but do you get it?
2 Comments
PeggyLuWho link
7/16/2014 01:45:58 pm

I think one thing I would say to men (cis-men, particularly) is, please try to remember that when people and feminists talk about patriarchy and systematic sexism, we're not talking about you specifically. We're not blaming you. We're not saying that you're misogynists or patriarchists. But you have been given a privileged status by virtue of your birth and genetics, which is like you have the magic controller that makes it so you're always playing the game in the Easy Mode, regardless of whatever setting the rest of the players are in. It may seem like we're upset with you, but it's really the console we hate. Too much metaphor?

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Dana Lewenthal
7/17/2014 12:00:40 am

Likewise, those who are raised by Disney are led to believe that what we want as women is a knight in shining armor, someone to rescue us, sweep us up in his arms and then live happily ever after. That doesn't work for any of us. I think in the right relationship, we sweep in and rescue each other - with all our imperfections, with our insecurities, and the baggage that we carry either personally, or on a grander level as you discuss above.

I think you've got it though, Ben. Men are regular people, just like women who need to be heard, seen, acknowledged, and loved. When you make yourself vulnerable (scary!) women and men can truly find out who you are, and then care enough to be gentle. Yes, yes, yes.

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