This one's a little scary to share. 
But I want to be vulnerable.
So you can be vulnerable. 
Last night I fell into a deep depression and came up against a wall. A sort of existential wall. When I looked at everything, I realized (re-realized) that life is meaningless, and that's not a bad thing, but I guess it can be a little scary.
It's just so funny and dichotomous. There's no reason to live except for the sake of living, and sometimes I don't know what that's all about. 
Think about it this way: if a man is going to lose all of his hair, and it's already thinning, and he looks at it every day and gets depressed about losing it, why not just shave his head? No more hair, no more problem.
And some days I apply that same philosophy to life. 
Knowing that I'll lose it one day, what's the point?
And I don't think you can answer me in a way I'll accept because I think I'm actually more rational now and when I think this way than when I dream up phantom reasons for life. 
Or I'm so irrational that we can't communicate.
Is the real me the one that feels this way, or the one that doesn't?
I feel like I'm seeing the world of facts, and when I do I realize there's nothing to look forward to, and living life for a false dream is, well, stupid, or at least delusional.

Here's something I wrote last night about this subject. It was sort of a panic write about my feelings. 
And looks like a strangely formatted version of what I wrote above. 

Upon my re-reading, it feels a little adolescent, and it is, because part of being immature is taking things too seriously. But here we are. 

Here’s some full disclosure.

I’m suicidal right now.

Not a metaphor.

I’m dealing with the fact that I’m considering moving out of my parents’ house.

And when I do (consider the possibility)

A great abyss opens up. 

Questions. 

Where do I go?

What do I do?

Why do I do any of it?

And I see everything at once.

And what do I see?

The total futility of life.

And I’m writing to help calm me down.

And I’m writing to give you permission to write the same things, in your darkest hours, whether you make it through or not.

That is your experience.

This is my experience.

This is our experience.

When the abyss opens up I see it all.

The great, endless nothing.

Suffering. 

Immense. 

Cataclysmic.

A tiny organism flying on a rock soon to be completely erased.

But that feels like rationalization. 

Maybe the worse feeling is the feeling that I don’t matter.

And I don’t.

And I can’t do it.

And I can’t.

This is hard.

People talk about suicide like it isn’t a real option.

It is.

It’s the best option.

It’s the only option.

For ending suffering.

For an atheist like me.

You want to stop suffering? 

Stop being alive.

I guarantee you an end to your problems.

So religion gave birth to god and the afterlife and told you that what you do now matters for you and you specifically for all of eternity after you’re dead.

Heaven.

Hell.

Samsara.

The greatest lies, the greatest threats.

All to keep the species going

And that’s not true.

But it’s a convenient lie.

Because it keeps the species going.

People probably think I need therapy.

I think others need therapy.

People think depression is an illness.

What if it’s not?

What if it’s just reality? What if it’s just honesty? 

What if it’s the effect of removing the rose colored glasses and dealing with the world as it is?

Ever heard of the dark night of the soul?

Look it up.

It becomes clear how insignificant you are.

And you are.

Yet you go on living.

Why?

What are you here for?

My god. 

You’re purposeless. 

Can you live with it?

Does it matter?

And, to be fair, that which lives, presently, lives as a cancer. Suicide is a favor. It is the greatest gift to the future and the greatest wound to the present. But I promise you this: want to lower your carbon footprint? 

Die.

Started rambling at the end, there. 
 

So I was talking to a friend today, and something came up about men. Being one, I have a vested interest. This is not an original thought, this was not a sudden inspiration today. I'd realized this a long time ago. But here we go.
Patriarchy is a funny thing. We can talk all about its roots later, but here's what's funny about it: it makes men superior, right? Like, rule of the fathers and all. So men are deemed pretty important.
Irony: when you make something important (shall I even say "precious?") And tell it that its whole life, it starts to believe it. When men are brought up to believe they are special and deserve privilege, it takes a lot of new information and education to get them to believe otherwise. In the process of that education, though, the men being educated learn something: they're not special. They're regular. They're people before they are men, just like women are people before they are women, and everyone on (or off) the gender spectrum is someone before they are (or aren't) that thing. 
But that means men aren't special.
And that hurts our feelings because we were raised our whole lives to believe we would save the world. We were the ones that mattered. We were the ones this world was promised to. 
And women... are nice? I guess? They showed up to help us because we are the movers. The shakers. The doers. The all knowing, all powerful.
Oof. This has gone a little too far, but do you get it?
When you put something on a pedestal and it believes is belongs there, then the fall is even scarier, because it never knew what the ground was and has no idea if it can survive. 
So two things.
1) Men: buck up. You're not special. You're not better. And sadly, our sex has been crushing the world to death under its heel for centuries (not our fault today, guys, but we are still paying the price, so get ready for the revolution and get on the winning side). 
2) Everyone else: please be gentle with us. Or at least, love us while we learn. I mean, the learning is coming, and we'll make the switch, but please: forgive the patriarchy, for it knows not what it does. That doesn't mean don't try to kill it with every ounce of your might. But just remember: it's not the enemy. It's an old dog that needs to be put down but is afraid to let anyone get close. Its time will come. 
And don't make the men you know the villains. Remember, they (we) are like children who don't know any better. If you don't know it's wrong to stick the fork in the socket, you do it. That doesn't mean the parent should hate the child for it. Not 100% comparable, but do you get it?

Dun Dun DUN. I'm doing it. I'm bringing up a point of contention.
Recently, a close loved one has been bringing up some interesting points about religion in the wake of the whole "Corporations can deny contraception based on religious blah dee blah." This has sparked a lot of conversation between a lot of groups, and the Atheism/Theism debate has been stepping into the limelight. Long story long, I recently heard the quote (from a theist) "If you don't believe in God, how do you know what's right and wrong?"
Good question. Seriously. Because once you put the ball down here in the mortal court, it's really easy to get confused about right and wrong, good and bad, etc (check out the whole Adam and Eve myth- eating the fruit "of the knowledge of good and evil" and all). What's good for me might be bad for you (or so we perceive) and vice versa. How do we deal with this?
Some people turn to God and the physical institutions claiming to represent It (temples, scriptures, strictures, etc.). Let me say now: I MAKE NO CLAIM TO KNOW WHETHER THERE IS A GOD. Also, some of those institutions, especially scriptures, say some pretty cool stuff ("Judge not, lest that ye be judged," "being, consciousness, bliss," etc.) 
But here's the deal: for those who reject the institutions, how do they determine how to act? Without a sacred text, without this or without that, where is their barometer? This could get really long, but let me say it this way: maybe it's time to change the notion of trying to do what is "right vs. wrong" or "good vs. bad" and simply introduce a new vocabulary. How about "healthy vs. unhealthy?" Fact: feelings of optimisim, positivity, and altruism increase vitality in the body in many different ways. So we could say that is healthy for the body. Conversely, negative feelings like stress, depression, etc. are linked to cardiovascular disease, decreased happiness (duh) and other unpleasant physical sensations. In this way, would could say these are unhealthy emotions.
Yadda yadda yadda, we do what we can to get to the healthy end of the spectrum, do your research to know what causes long term health vs. short term pleasure (exercise vs. cake), yadda yadda yadda.
Different acumen: helpful vs. harmful. A little tricky to navigate, but do your best to guess. Whom are you helping by your particular action? Remember, think as long term as you can. Anyway, try to cultivate health. Help lots of people. But remember, give a man a fish vs. teach a man to fish, etc.
Love you! 

I just had a pretty cool hang out with a friend, and it helped me realize something: when I'm vulnerable, you can all be vulnerable, too.
A lot of people, and a lot of people I listen to, walk around with all the answers. And that's not a saying. They really seem to know what's going on, and that's awesome. I, however, am not them. While there is no self for me to be, even that is more vulnerable than saying I think I know who I am. In truth, this life is a process, a work in progress, and there's definitely no end goal or destination (besides death). 
Anyway, what this means is: I'm giving myself permission. Permission to be 100% how I am at an given moment. Maybe it's not what I think "perfect Ben" looks like, but you know what? Perfect Ben doesn't exist. Neither does perfect anyone.
So give yourself a break. Give yourself allowance. Give yourself permission. You are a process, not a product, and you will never get it right. So just do your best, and remember everyone else is doing the same, so give your friends permission, too. And your enemies. Especially your enemies. 

Today I’m frustrated and I’m going to take it out in writing, all Ze Frank style but with writing instead of a video.

Safety or significance?

Adventure or security?

WHOSE ADVICE TO YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO?

With half the population of My Brain, USA, voting to fuck it all and move to the woods, get back on the road and turn into the drifter I sort of tried to be when I went backpacking (never try to legitimize homelessness. If you’re going to do something, just do it) and the other half of the population casting its vote for well paying 9-5, better than most 24 year olds can do these day, and a life of rational savings accounts, investment plans, and a life on the grid, it’s hard to know whose vote counts for what.

And it makes me feel all fucked up inside.

And now you get to hear about it because I’m too mad to even be rational or realize I need to step away from the computer and breathe, or act on that realization.

Because I want to bitch.

I want to moan.

I want to piss.

I want to feel bad just to feel bad so I can feel important in my poor me life and story.

Because my life rocks.

But my mind can’t be happy with that.

I say my mind because I don’t want it to be ME who isn’t happy, I want it to be something else, some alien parasite that’s taken me over. And I hope that isn’t me.

So there.  Let that be a lesson to you, reader.

And then I read this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/09/foot-amputation_n_5571204.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000026&ir=Comedy

Go fuck yourself, mind. This is my life. I’m going to have fun with it, no matter what I’m doing. So you can just fuck off and die. 

I feel conflicted talking to people as if I know better or know what is right for them. In truth, I don’t. I suffer. I ache. I hurt sometimes. What’s more, sometimes I feel like the more I try to control it, the worse I feel, as if I feel bad for feeling bad.

I’m just another fleshy meat-sack like you, just another tiny thing trying to get comfortable in a world rigged to make us uncomfortable. So really, I’m trying to get comfortable with discomfort, but here’s the take away: I don’t have it all figured out. I’m sorry if I preach sometimes. 

Again, a post from March. I'll be dumping old thoughts and new addendums in the days to come. 

Fun

Sometimes the most fun you can have is right in the middle of something. It’s not the end goal that is the good time, it’s the steps along the way. I just finished a crazy workout and here is the lesson: what you do isn’t fun. How you perceive what you do allows fun into your life. Fun is a natural state. There seems to be a big false perception that action X, Y, or Z is where fun shows up (clubbing, drinking, general pursuits of debauchery). Trying to have fun is never very rewarding. It makes it seem as if fun is a possession, as evidenced in the phrase “have” fun just like I “have” a car. Fun, joy, and feelings of lightheartedness are just that- feelings. They come from within.

 Similarly, the pursuit of happiness is strange and ironic thing. One tries to find the illusive thing, the final piece of the puzzle that, once it clicks, allows one to be happy and life to be fulfilled, and so one devotes their time to the pursuit of some external factor to make one feel complete, whole, or finally fulfilled. But the truth is that sort of happiness is illusive, fleeting, non-existent. Happiness comes from within, not from without. So stop your mad search to finally find the thing that fulfils you, makes you feel whole and complete, whether you’re looking for a lover, shopping for the latest shoes to dull the ache, or any other behavior that could otherwise be healthy but might have turned into a destructive habit in you. You know which your personal vice is. Let yourself be happy where you are, here and now.

Sit for a moment in stillness. Simply become aware of being aware. Think to yourself “I am here and, right now, I am good enough.” Find a physical sensation to focus on to take your mind of the compulsive feeling of lack which characterizes anyone who feels the need to look outside rather than within for their feelings of joy.

 Use the mind to fill yourself up as you need. Focus it on a list of five things you’re grateful for. Look for the rays of light within your own present day life. Don’t hang your hopes for salvation on an illusory future which doesn’t exist anywhere outside your mind. Even if you sweat and strain and work as hard as you can to make that dream come true, what happened to the time you spent sweating and straining? Did you enjoy it? Did you love it? Did you live it? Those are moments of time you will never, ever get back or be able to replace, buy, or cover up with all of the fancy material possessions in the world. I’m not telling you not to strive for goals. I’m telling you that your primary focus is on right now. If you aren’t enjoying what you’re doing, why are you doing it? But remember, your state of mind determines whether you enjoy it, not the event itself.

Need a quick trick to get into the present moment? Breathe. You probably remembered to breathe again after you read that, right? Most human breath is shallow, sometimes non-existent, as we are constantly distracted from other things, taken out of our bodies by our minds and left in a very odd, anaerobic and not very healthy state.

Focus on your breathing. Don’t force it to be deep or shallow, but just let it go. Put your attention in your hands or feet or chest or belly or hips or butt or knees or the whole body. Anywhere that your attention naturally falls within the body, however briefly. The body, while impermanent, is part of your present reality. Though it will leave you eventually, it is what you have now, so use it to become aligned with the now, and so forget your false futures and restricting pasts.

Allow that wave of attentiveness to flow over the whole body. Feel how things relax and release when you give them just a moment of attention, of the TLC that we are all craving every moment. Give it to yourself. Give yourself the love that you deserve. Don’t let your radiant existence become a means to an end. Stop thinking of beginnings and endings. Things neither begin, nor do they end, except from the limited perception of the mind. Be here now and accept reality and love it as if it were the salvation of all people. Don’t love it conditionally. Don’t focus on how much you love your six pack or your smooth, slender fingers or anything like that. Don’t love the artifice. Love what holds it together, the energy field within that you feel when you give some part of your body focus, the energy that rushes in an allows a certain part of you to relax and unwind. Allow it to enter and your physical body to become less tight, constricted, and dense. This energy you feel, this subtle release, is what binds all things in the universe together.

We are much more energy than we are physical matter. The distances between protons, electrons, neutrons, and atoms is infinitely greater than any of those material things. As such, all form are actually essentially empty space, held together by forces which cause them to appear solid. We are all riding on this energy, these forces, and bound together so infinitely that separateness is nothing but an illusion. Recognizing this infinite similarity, the macro-unity we all are, is love. It is to see that there is nowhere someone ends and another begins. All things are, simultaneously.

Recognize your own presence, and you will begin to see it everywhere you look. If you start with love within, you will have no choice but to love without. 

Mothers

Mothers are reputed in several spiritual teachings and around the world as bastions of care and love. Some say that mother’s love is truest, and even somewhat cruel phrases like “only a mother could love that face” show that a mother’s love looks beyond differences, right or wrong, good or bad, and relies on a particular sense of common, shared oneness. Perhaps this is because mothers actually allow the child to incubate within their own bodies, and as such when the child is born there is a greater sense of unity, as this little thing was once literally a piece of her. The Buddha speaks of loving one’s fellow being like a mother loves a child. But what does that mean or feel like?

In my experience, it begins with giving oneself that same kind of love. This speaks to a dichotomous relationship within a being. There is me and then there is myself. The self is the mind made projection which walks through this world for a short time but is not inherently nor essentially “who we are.” It is an attempt by an over-powerful brain to create a crystallized, knowable entity which we call us. It is made of rules and limitations, boundaries and lines because that is what the mind likes: certainty.  It is a scared little beast, constantly feeling under threat of annihilation, unable to deal with the changes the real world brings us. It lives with the constant feeling of threat, insecurity, lack, or uncertainty of its own permanence (which, ultimately, does not exist) and so it fears, mistrusts, and tries to find what will make it happy, fulfilled, and no longer feel afraid. Any such panacea, however, is always short lived.

Most humans mistake this entity, the scared child which can only find a sensation of peace and calm for a brief, fleeting moment before finding the new threat, to be who they are in their essence. However, the converse is true. Within all of us, we contain this minimal being which we mistake to be us and the maximal being who is the parent figure which watches and loves this little beast unabashedly. It is not male nor female, young nor old, not even human. The beast, the small child form, is only capable or perceiving things in the short term, looking at things through the filters of past lessons and future gain. This type of thinking leads to its constant search for fulfillment through old modes and frequent anxiety at those old molds not working. It is constantly looking to the past or future for security, fulfillment, or peace, as if the present moment is not good enough. The mind-child only wants things to be easy to understand, compact and easy to digest. Life, however, is not that way. It is confusing, baffling.

As the parent, the witness of this physical form doing its dance of reaction reaction reaction to find some futile and short lived meaning, ours is not to judge or punish this creature. That would be like punishing a cat for tipping over a food bowl or a dog for chasing after a squirrel. Is it possible to hold a grudge against a creature which isn’t even aware of its own action? As the dance of forms unfolds and we, in our true essence, witness it, we must watch this form which we call “ourselves” impartially, with infinite love and grace as it grows, matures, repeatedly hurts itself, and slowly comes to fruition as an expression of the nature of the universe.

Once we love ourselves that way, with infinite sympathy, we can begin to treat others the same. As within, so without.

Addendum, 7/8/14

This is all a pill to make the truth go down easier. In reality, there is no self. Loving oneself is as redundant as hating oneself. There is no self to have a relationship with. However, in the transitional phase toward the realization of no self, it might be helpful for some to treat this self with a feeling of grace and understanding, not considering it me and mine and instead considering it an inevitable part of the growth process of humans. Necessary at a time, as it loses its function, it will one day disappear. In the meanwhile, though, we can treat it with kindness when we stop believing it is “us.”

Written 3/16/14 


Nature It seems fitting, especially with spring so nearly approaching, to write on the subject of nature. Alfred, Lord Tennyson, once wrote that “in the spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.” Indeed, there is a sort of buoyancy and jubilance in the air as the sun returns and all creatures shake the frost and dew from their nests. Granted, of course, that our winter was dry, and our summer will be drier, but for this brief moment life is renewed amongst the trees, pines, animals, plants, and beings of the Earth. The return of the sun seems to herald a breath of fresh life into the world which asks only that we enjoy it. To that end, I encourage you: go out into nature. Find some peace and rapture there. Sit in silence with it and let it teach you how to live. It is a special thing, a magnificent thing. It is the very reason that I purpose myself to go out a-backpacking for many weeks this coming spring. Henry David Thoreau said, upon his excursion to Walden Pond  “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”

Addendum, per 7/8/14: Having returned from my backpacking excursion, I recommend more heartily than before that people spend time in nature. Do not, however, set out to conquer it nor yourself. Let it consume you. Let it be greater than you. Let yourself become small, insignificant. As Jesus said “Look at the lilies of the field, how they grow. They toil not, neither do they spin.” Let a tree’s centuries-long lifespan be a lesson to you: take it slow. Be supple and bend to the wind. Do not fear that you will continue to reach upward and upward towards the heavens. Let yourself die. Let yourself change. Not necessarily in that order. Remember that you are insignificant. Give life. Give shade.  Let your radiance come from your simplicity. 

These are the very beginnings of what could one day become an entire essay or even book. I imagine periodic updates will occur. 

On death and dying

The human population is certainly doing well these days, isn’t it? According to the “Current World Population” tracker on worldometer.com, the current population has hit 7.2 billion human beings, with over 500% of that growth occurring in the last 200 years and 300% occurring since 1960. (CITATION) It’s a boon time for us human beings right now. Between advanced health care, the securing of resources, and the development of multiple institutions to protect and elongate human life, things are very different now than they once were. Humans are living longer and longer and dying later and later. According to Encyclopedia Britannica, between the early 1900s and 2010, global average life expectancy jumped from approximately 31 to 67.2, an increase of over 100%. (CITATION) Contrast that against global average life expectancy between classical Greece and 2010, where in the span of only 2400 years (not very long cosmically) life expectancy increased by 120%.

But to what end? Leaving aside all questions of quality of life in later years , it is this paper’s purpose to explore the value of living in a death-resistant world, where mortality remains fictitious until old age or early accident, where prenatal and infant death has been nearly entirely squelched in the West, where people are no longer concerned with making it through the winter or the dry summer, where food sources are secured (for now) and the very purpose of being alive has been all but taken care of. What impact does living with a seemingly indefinite time table and very little actual, palpable threat do to the human psyche?

To clarify, for all intents and purposed when this paper refers to “the purpose of being alive,” the intention is not to make a philosophical statement but rather to refer to the inherent biological drive all living beings face to procreate and carry the species forward. There was a time that the continuation of any species was left relatively in question; a river could dry out and starve and entire species or subspecies in Latin America or Africa, another predator species could overhunt its prey to the point of extinction, etc. Even after the agrarian revolution only 10,000 years ago, wherein humans essentially staked their claim as “top of the food chain” and systematized it, there was still the threat of drought, famine, infections disease (see Black Plague), cold snap, and many other natural phenomena that could have wiped us out at any time.  Physical death was once a very serious reality for all creatures on the planet but now, thanks to extreme human intervention, the powers of life and death have nearly been put into one species hands.

Through this, some species of both plant and animal life are deemed “worthy” and allowed to stay alive and others “unworthy” or “unnecessary” and resigned to slaughter at gunpoint, starvation, or general mistreatment. Take, for instance, the Grey Wolf. This species of wolf, now on the Endangered Species List, was once like any other species: untouched by man. It was uninterrupted in its growth and decay and allowed to live and die according to nature’s pattern, which cannot be fully quantified (this is the same pattern by which a tree will grow or not grow, according to time, season, and circumstance). However, in recent years the Gray Wolf has been threatened by human encroachment on their habitat as well as farmers killing them due to occasional livestock predation.(FOOTNOTE) Similar examples can be seen in West Africa, where the West African Lion population, whose DNA is unique to its region and species, has been reduced to 35,000 members. (CITATION)

35,000. Imagine a world with only 35,000 humans left. Or dogs, or cats, or horses, or songbirds. Would we not fight tenaciously to keep those things we deem precious or beautiful alive? Why, then, has there been an unconscious decision made to exterminate those animals we do not find of some immediate value? And why are none of us doing something about it? Here’s the long and the short of it: if a species is meant to go, then it is meant to (much like humans will, one day, no longer walk this earth) but why does it have to be sacrificed to a shortsighted, egoic, and man-made institution like a new housing development or cattle farm?

The thinking that causes this type of extinction problem is the same thinking which creates the mono-cropping problems in large agrarian societies (the US, Canada, most of the world). According to Wikipedia, “Monocropping is the agricultural practice of growing a single crop year after year on the same land, in the absence of rotation through other crops. Corn, soybeans, and wheat are three common crops often grown using monocropping techniques.“ The article further states:

“While economically a very efficient system, allowing for specialization in equipment and crop production, monocropping is also controversial, as it can damage the soil ecology (including depletion or reduction in diversity of soil nutrients) and provide an unbuffered niche for parasitic species, increasing crop vulnerability to opportunistic insects, plants, and microorganisms.”

There is a sort of selectivism, a picking and choosing about the human mind (not humans themselves, however, as we are not the contents of our minds) which cuts reality up into little pieces and is incapable of seeing the whole. This fragmentation of reality creates shortsighted and selfish aims which involve one side losing for the other to win. Think of slavery or the disenfranchisement of anyone not a white male in the West. One group came to power (by hook or by crook) and determined that 1) that power was something worth keeping, 2) the way to stay there was to terminate all immediate threats. Thus we had the subjugation of women, of other races, of homosexuals and all those deemed as “other” to a difference-perceiving mind. Well here we are, 10,000 or so years later and we see where this has gotten us: civil unrest, a constant involvement in low-grade pandemic conflict, a crumbling economy, and a planet being killed all to attain some momentary feeling of happiness or security. While there have been many incredible advancements made through our death-fearing society, many of them have come back around to trap us rather than liberate us into the fullest experience of life there is.

It is this author’s belief that society was created as a bastion against death. Going back to the earliest, even pre-human, civilizations, moving in packs has always been preferred. (EVIDENCE). Moving in numbers helps stave off threats while procreation can occur happily and freely within the well-functioning micro-society. Post agrarian revolution, however, nomadic lifestyles died out and people no longer had to move in their small pods to ensure survival. Groups could break away to develop as they saw fit. Some developed more than others, and ended up possessing large amounts of land and, more importantly, food and water. Out of this came feudalism: those who “possessed” the land were in power and created rules and structures to maintain a harmonious balance within said society. As a disclaimer, this is an history of the evolution of Anglo-Saxon and Western society which has now grown to dominate nearly 100% of the world. Clearly, different forms of societal living were occurring in different places all over the world, though they all had a similar conceit of staying together and strengthening through numbers the ability to keep death at bay for as long as possible.

The intolerance of death is a reasonably new phenomena, though I believe it is one which will be quickly broken.